I grew up in a very conventional family in the UK. Dad went out to work and Mum stayed home and cooked, cleaned, washed. As my brother and I got into our teens we (sought of) knew we should at least offer to help out in the kitchen, so this familiar dialogue took place.
“Mum, do you need any help?” “No I’m fine” she says.
“Excellent” we thought. We’ve asked and she said “no thanks”. Off we can go and wait for the meal to be served up. The barest semblance of support and help, responded with a decline. Maybe Mum genuinely thought our help would be the exact opposite. If you want a job doing well, do it yourself.
This fake offer to help plays out at work all the time. “Do you want any help?” is the wrong question to ask. People who won’t accept help, or who won’t let go and delegate will always refuse. They may even play the martyr at the same time.
Instead, be more direct in the offer of help and be less willing to run away on the first refusal. “I can see you are under the pump, let me do X” gives the person less room to refuse. If you’re the one under the pump, ask for help. Most teams have someone in the team who has capacity at any single moment. It’s only when everyone in the team starts genuinely helping and doing some heavy lifting that the team starts operating as team.
Most of us know when people need help. Most of us know when we could do with help. I regret (and am embarrassed) by how lazy I was as a teenager, which was compounded by my Mum’s passivity. Don’t make the same mistake as me, or my Mum.