We’ve all been late and we’ve all been kept waiting by someone who is late. We almost certainly see those two situations through very different lenses. It’s called attribution.

Attribution is a technical term in social psychology to describe the conclusions we jump to (often the only exercise we get in the day), about why something happened. We all use it all the time, usually unconsciously, and all our biases are there to see (if we bother to look).

The interesting thing about attribution is that we are very kind to ourselves. When we are late to a meeting for example, we tend to put the cause on external factors and not our personal failings. You know that the traffic was really bad, the client in the previous meeting kept talking, or a crisis at home came up. 

But if we are the person waiting for someone else to turn up to a meeting, we easily jump to attribute the lateness to factors internal to the person. Disrespectful of others time, disorganized, life in chaos. Go on, you know you’ve thought it.

How to explain this? Well, we have lots more information about our own situation than we do about other people’s. When it comes to explaining your own actions, you know the variables at play. When you’re trying to explain another person’s behavior, you only have what is readily observable.

Just knowing this can really help in two ways. First in being more honest about your own behaviour. Some internal attribution will ensure you take at least some responsibility. Second, a little external attribution to other people’s failings, will allow you to cut them slack.  We could all do with being a little less judgy of others and little more honest about ourselves.

Working with a client in the last few weeks, the term “hamster wheel has come up to describe their view of working life right now. Hamster wheels were a device designed to give little furry animals the ability to really stretch their legs whilst still being in a confined space (thanks Richard, I knew that) but it’s a metaphor for maximum effort with no progress. An exercise in futility.

This is a common refrain. We’re all super busy but progress, real achievement seems elusive. The exhaustion at the end of last year, as we stumbled across the finishing line of a second year of pandemic was palpable. What did I achieve? Was the effort worth it? People ask the same questions after a frantic week or month.

The people I work with tend to be senior players: GMs, MD’s, Heads of. These are people with influence and authority and yet there is still the feeling that they are trapped in a system they are powerless to change. They report in to National, who reports in to regional, who reports in to global. The requests keep on coming. Attend this meeting. Lead this project. Contribute to this pitch. Attend this conference. Design and launch this product/service. Saying “no” seems career limiting and unhelpful. Saying “yes” drives the busyness and the hamster wheel continues.

 As an absolute, I don’t buy this (and I acknowledge that being my own boss, I don’t work under such constraints as my clients). We are never powerless. We do have choices and we owe it to ourselves, the people working in our companies down the hierarchy, our family, partners and friends to make different choices. And these don’t have to be massive “line in the sand” positions we take. Maybe we seek a compromise or a negotiation, instead of a knee jerk “yes”. Small choices always ladder up to a different life. A life not in a hamster wheel. We’re not hamsters. Go on, run free. 

Golf as a sport throws up so many interesting behaviours. The obsession with buying new equipment is a case in point. Very average golfers going off and spending $800 on a new driver, or $1500 on a new set of irons, thinking that’s going to sort their game out. It doesn’t.

It’s a classic example of thinking a “technical” solution will fix a problem. This happens all the time. Sleeping pills will put you to sleep but really just mask a problem. Better habits before bed time are more likely to get the best result.

How about instead of running to the golf shop, you try practicing more, or getting some lessons? It requires more effort and won’t necessarily be a quick fix but then how’s the new driver working out for you?

I’ve just come back from nearly a month’s holiday with my family. You’ll all know that travelling in close company with other people, never mind loved ones, is a real test of the relationship. Two teenagers, 19 and 16, presents its own challenges for them as well as me.

Two weeks in and things were getting tense and some frayed edges starting to show. Over an evening meal, it kicked off. Some tears, some anger but a good degree of honest and reasonable talk. It ended in a decent place.

On the way home on the tube, I made the comment that it’s good to have that type of talk. My daughter responded that talking never does any good. Nothing changes. At the time, it was clearly too soon to tell. Certainly, she was probably referencing that some other conversations hadn’t created a change.

Fast forward a few days and it was noticeable that the talk had shifted things in the right direction. One comment given to me was that at every meal out, I was doing the “the prices are exorbitant” rant. True, true. You can take the boy out of Sheffield…….. My daughter said this was not only annoying but was stressing her out about choosing anything to eat. Ouch.

Result? I stop doing that and almost immediately it changed the vibe at meals. Sure, she was waiting for me to backslide but happily I didn’t. And I wasn’t alone. Everyone made some small changes and the overall vibe moved back to happy days. Bliss.

Their is a quote in Susan Scott’s book, Fierce Conversations, where she says, “no one conversation can change everything, yet every conversation has the potential to change some things.” The relationships we have are driven by the conversations we have. The conversations ARE the relationship. If we don’t talk, we don’t give ourselves or others the opportunity to shift. Of course, some conversations achieve nothing and there are many reasons for that – poor timing, poor execution being the most common. 

But even a half good conversation can provide insight, reflection and create actions that in turn create change. Never give up on that and keep having those important conversations.